Bedroom Confidence for Good Women

I won’t lie.    I have struggled with being a people pleaser at some points in my life. Some of you will be surprised by that and some of you won’t.   The truth is, I think we all have a desire to be accepted and admired by the people in our circle. I ran across this quote recently, “If you can’t handle being talked about, then you’re not ready for success.” It made me stop.    I mean, I want to be successful…but am I ready to be talked about? Luckily, I didn’t have to worry about that yet.   I wasn’t “successful” for people to start talking about me.    I’d cross that bridge when I got to it. I just didn’t know it, but I WAS already there. I come from small town USA, and I love it!   I love the friendly gestures and hospitality.   The smiles, waves and friendly conversations in the check out lines, with complete strangers.   I even love the southern drawl that marks the words we speak. With this small town living also comes small town talk.

Hey there, You probably think being able to multitask is a good thing.   And, it can be when you have a million things to get done and a busy house to keep. When it comes to the bedroom though, multitasking can wreak havoc on your intimate life. One mom confided, “I love my husband and I love being with him, but my brain will not switch gears from mom-life to sex-life sometimes.   I can be right in the middle of the act and I will start thinking, ‘Did you remember to pack the lunches? Are the kids safe in their rooms?, Did you remember to turn the crock pot off?’ I just don’t know how to switch my brain.” Has this ever happened to you? One way to deal with this is to consciously close some of the tabs, before you spend time with your husband.  Having less to stress about or deal with can help your brain slow down and focus on what’s happening in the now. Taking time in the day to relax and refuel your energy are vital.  It’s not selfish! Ea

We all need help. ALL of us find ourselves in need at some point. Have you ever wanted to seek help, but felt ashamed or embarrassed to talk to someone?  I have found these feelings to be especially prevalent when talking about marriage and intimacy.  Aren’t these things just supposed to naturally work themselves out?...not usually. Listen to this bishop’s story prior to seeking help. “Sex had been a disaster from the beginning of the marriage.  What made it worse was he felt that good Latter-day Saints shouldn’t have such problems.  He believed that if anyone should have a model marriage, the bishop and his wife should.  In fact, virtually everyone in the ward assumed they were the perfect couple, and he felt both hypocritical and a little bitter that the image was false.” In frustration, the bishop said, “Show me the justice of it.  We keep all the commandments.  We pay a full tithe and a lot more.  Neither of us has ever refused a calling.  We attend the temple regula

Did you know physical touch has the power to heal by transferring vital energy between human beings? Dr. Harvey L Gochros explained, “We develop a form of emotional scurvy that we call by different terms: depression, stress, anxiety, aggression and midlife crisis.   Lack of touch is just as detrimental to our health as a lack of Vitamin C and just as easy to remedy.” So interesting! Human beings have a universal need for touch.    In one horrendous  study  babies actually died from the simple lack of touch. When intimacy is lacking in a marriage, serious consequences can also be found.   Lack of physical touch often leads our minds down a lonely path of feeling isolated, sad, depressed and unaccepted. To be clear intimacy doesn’t always imply sexual contact.   There are many ways to start filling your “touch bucket” right now.    1- Give lots of hugs 2- Hold hands 3- Stroke hair or skin 4- Snuggle or hold each other in the cradling position 5

What comes to mind when you think about talking to your husband about physical intimacy? It seems logical that we should talk about something so vital to our relationship, but for many women it also seems scary. Maybe you can relate... “It feels so awkward to talk about it.” “Every time we try to talk about it, it ends up in a fight.” “I don’t know how to express what I really feel inside. “If we talk about it, he’ll try to talk me into things I don’t feel like doing.” It might not be easy to start talking, but it can heal your soul when you start connecting on this level.   Expect it to feel uncomfortable at first, but do it anyway…because you deserve a happy marriage.   Here are my best tips to guide you through it! 1- Practice acceptance of each other first.   When both partners feel accepted by each other and are comfortable sharing non-intimate feelings, they are more open to sharing the more vulnerable parts of desire.   2- Choose

Does your phone or computer ever buffer? You know that little circle just keeps turning and you keep waiting. It can be a little frustrating at times, especially when it takes forever and nothing loads. Sometimes I buffer too.  In fact most of us do, and it isn't really good for us. As far as humans are concerned, buffering is what we do to avoid pain or a negative emotion.  When we are sad and we eat all the sugary foods.  When we are stressed and we veg out in front of the TV for hours.  When we are lonely and we scroll through Facebook half of the day.  These are all forms of buffering. Does it matter?  Probably.  If we buffer so much that we aren't able to stay present with our life and work through the emotions we are feeling, it can stifle our growth and cause us to become stuck in a place of suffering. Buffering or avoiding emotion does not make our negative emotions go away, it just makes us not see or feel them for a time. Unfortunately, we feel wor

Do you have teenagers?  Or kids that will one day be teenagers? If so, you have probably thought about the possibility of your child being exposed to porn. Brian Willoughby, BYU professor and researcher says we shouldn't be teaching our kids about pornography by saying, "If you see pornography...", rather he says we should use the phrase "When you are exposed to pornography..." That's right, WHEN.  Willoughby says 100% of high school graduates will be exposed to some type of pornography before they finish their high school years. What does this mean for our kids and the rising generation? Well, that all depends. Research out of Brigham Young University  examined effects of pornography use.  A major component of the research explored the "Damaged Goods Hypothesis"; the theory that some people come to view themselves as deficient or tainted, as a result of what they believe to be immoral behavior. Research found, the more shame a pe

I am a Certified Life Coach who works primarily with Latter Day Saint women.  I often get asked what a life coach does, or how life coaching differs from therapy.  I think everyone should know! Tony Robbins describes it this way.  "The fundamentals of life coaching are what distinguish it from therapy.  Life coaches do not diagnose, while therapists determine illnesses and pathologies- so clients can be clinically treated.  Therapists analyze client's pasts as a tool for understanding present behaviors, whereas life coaches simply identify and describe current problematic behaviors so the client can work to modify them." A life coach might be helpful in: - Clarifying and achieving personal and professional goals - Working to improve communication and other relationship skills -Achieving work/life balance A therapist might be helpful in: - Recovering from past trauma -Working through depression and anxiety that inhibit daily functions - Sustaining through

Did you know adult attitudes toward sexual intimacy are largely conditioned during childhood and adolescence?   In our youthful years, we are like sponges absorbing and believing all that our parents and leaders tell us (or are afraid to tell us).  If you were taught that sex is bad, dirty, or should be avoided at all costs, you might be one of the otherwise well-adjusted wives who still think of intimate relations (even after marriage) as evil, wrong or just another chore.  This is what I want you to know if you are feeling this way. There is nothing wrong with you.  In fact it makes perfect sense that you feel this way. For years you were taught to bridle all those feelings.  Do not think about sexual desires.  Do not indulge in those types of behaviors.  Do not talk about those types of things....and the list goes on. Then one day you knelt across an altar and covenanted to "be one" for the rest of eternity and you were expected to flip the switch.  Now in orde

Can you remember when you first fell in love with your husband?  The way you would flirt... Hold each other's hand... The butterflies from that first kiss.... You probably talked for hours without running out of things to say.  You were learning and discovering each other.  You had so much excitement and energy as you fell head over heels. Somewhere along the way the excitement may have faded.  Things began to change.  Part of this is normal as we enter new phases of our relationship, but if you are struggling to feel attraction or even tolerate your spouse right now, it doesn't have to be this way! If you are unable to connect and feel less like soul mates and more like roommates who tolerate each other, decide today that you will choose to be attracted to your husband again.  Choose to be giddy and excited all over again.  I love the concept that attraction is a decision we keep on making. You can be with someone for years and not feel much at

How much savings do you have in your marital bank account?  I'm not talking about money. I'm not trying to get personal information.  In fact, I bet you aren't even sure exactly what the account looks like.  That's okay.  Let me help you get a better picture.  It just takes a couple quick questions to figure it out. What kind of wife do you really want to be to your spouse?  Get really specific when you answer this question.  If your initial answer is "loyal", describe in detail what you would do, say or think to maintain your loyalty on a daily basis. Now, I want you to think about how you act, speak to or think about your husband during a typical day. After you have made your lists, put them side by side and see if they match up.  If they do, you are living for the life you genuinely want, not just what you feel like doing in the moment. It can be so easy to confuse how we feel in the moment with what we want long term.  In fact, on the hardest d

Just 3 days after his team lost the Super Bowl, Tom Brady posted the following comment on Instagram: "There are many emotions when you come up short of your goal.  And they are all part of learning and growing in this journey of life.  Learning turns everything into a positive..." So often we get focused on how we think things are supposed to be, that we forget there is a journey to get to that sweet spot we've always dreamed of.  Along the journey to our goals, there will surely be wins and losses; things that work well and things that work not-so-well. All of these experiences are an important part of any journey. What do you consider to be the ultimate goal of your marriage; that sweet spot you always dreamed of?  Maybe you haven't thought about that for a while, or ever.  Take a minute and write down what your ultimate marriage goal is.  Now think about the success that you have had in your marriage as you have worked toward that goal.  Next, reflect back

“What the human being is best at doing is interpreting all new information so that their prior conclusions remain intact.” -Warren Buffet Have you ever known someone who believed something so deeply, they would not consider that they were wrong...no matter what the evidence said?  If you were the one trying to convince them otherwise, I bet it was frustrating for you.   Our brains have sort of a filter on them.  Our brains interpret all the information presented to us through the filter of our own belief system.  This why two different people can take the exact same fact and prove two different points.   Let's look at this example.  A husband cooks dinner for the family and then goes to rest in the bedroom after a long day of work.  One wife might think, "I am so grateful to have a husband that would work all day and still be willing to cook dinner for us. I am willing to clean up in return."  Another wife might think, "Ugh! Why does he even bother to c

There have been a few times lately, mostly when my kids are being a bit difficult, that I have wished I could go back to when they were babies (you know, when they weren't able to say rude things or express their displeasure with the dinner I just spent hours preparing). I just know if I could have only one day with them as a baby again, I would savor each second.  Then the thought comes, "One day you'll wish you could have this moment back, so you could savor every moment." Remember the early days of your relationship with your husband?  You probably didn't have kids, a college degree or a steady source of income.  You were probably dreaming of days when you could hold your future babies, graduate with that degree and land your dream job.  You were so eager to see what the future would hold. In hindsight, are there things you miss about that time in your relationship?  Would you appreciate the simplicity of that life?  If you could relive a week of your e

My husband tells me my brain is like a vault.  What that really means is, he thinks I remember every negative thing he has ever done.  He used to be worried that I would lock all of his mistakes or faults in my vault and later use them as ammunition in the heat of the moment.  I confess, that I may have been guilty of this at one time or another, but I've learned something that has made me change the way I see the things from our past that get stored in the vault periodically.  If you are having trouble letting go of past mistakes that your husband has made, you may benefit from what I have learned.  If you are continuing to experience hurt and pain over the choices your husband has made previously in your relationship, please keep reading. First, can you do me a favor and be really open-minded for a second?  I want you to think about the possibility that the past cannot hurt you.  Absolutely nothing in the past can hurt you right now.  It's over.  It has alrea

Are you remembering to love your choice? How can you choose love today?

Have you ever been really upset by something your partner did and decided to just let it go?  It probably felt really good if you were able to really let go of the frustration and truly feel love for your husband.   Have you ever been really upset with him and tried to let it go, only to keep thinking about the issue while it festered?  Eventually, this scenario leads to a huge blow up if you aren't careful.  It could be the slightest offense that sets off this eruption of emotions.  Often it's something that has nothing to do with the real issue that caused you to be upset in the first place. Here's the thing about emotions.  We can try to stuff them all we want, but if we aren't able to truly forgive and forget them, they will eventually surface.   I like to visualize a beach ball when talking about emotions.  Pretend the large ball represents your emotion. If you take a beach ball, and try to hold it under the water, you can do it for a while.  How

It takes one person in the marriage to make the decision to change.  When that one person decides to change, the other person in the relationship has to decide if they will shift to balance the relationship. I know you might feel like you don't want to be the one who has to put forth the extra effort.   Can I ask you a question?  Would you put forth the effort if you knew your marriage depended on it? I promise you, with the right attitude and commitment, one person can change the whole tone of the relationship. If you have a couple extra minutes, please read this  story about the way author, Richard Paul Evans decided to change only himself, in an attempt to save his marriage.  I read it years ago, and it has stayed with me ever since. “Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat down in the shower and began to cry. In the depths of my despair powerful inspiration came to me. You can’t change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. At that moment I began to pra y." Are yo

Some of us use the call to "be ye therefore perfect", in a way that Heavenly Father never intended.   If you are anything like me, you probably do it too.  Does any of this sound familiar? In an attempt to be perfect, you might start to focus on your failures, over-extend yourself and even doubt your own worth. You look at everyone else around you and see all of their best qualities.   You see the wife who always looks like perfection by her husbands side, and the mom who never raises her voice to her children.  You might begin to wonder why you can't keep your house in order, when your neighbor works full-time, has five kids and keeps her home immaculate.  And the comparisons go on and on.   You take the best qualities of everyone around you and create in your mind what you believe to be the “perfect" wife and mother. You can never be as good as her.   She isn’t even real. Yet, when you fall short of measuring up to this perfect -but fictitious- woman, y

Good communication is one of the most important aspects of a good relationship.  I used to tell my husband this All. The. Time.  I thought I was such a good communicator because I was willing to talk when he wasn't.  Little did I know that my communication style was suffocating his desire to communicate. After writing  this post a few days ago, about communicating in a way that helps foster truth and openness with your partner, I had and "add-on" experience, that I thought I'd share. In the previous post, I wrote about how my son broke some glass in my room. Somehow, I was able to not yell at him, and because of that he felt comfortable sharing the whole truth of the broken glass. We were then able to connect and work together to clean up the mess, and the whole thing actually turned out to be a positive experience for both of us. I felt good about the fact that I was able to show him he could be honest with me, even when he thought I might not like the truth

Some researchers have claimed the number one predictor of success is your ability to be resilient;  your ability to struggle and keep working for your goal.  It has been said that this quality is more important than intelligence, resources or even skill. Resilience is defined as your ability to overcome adversity.  The only way to get better at resilience is by experiencing adversity. So if resilience is the number one predictor of success and you gain resilience through adversity, it might seem like experiencing adversity is a good thing!  I believe it is.  If you are in the midst of a personal struggle, game on! Adversity is like your classroom.  Using challenges as an opportunity to build strategies is a skill.  Resilience fosters confidence.  Many people think accomplishments build confidence, but really the confidence comes because of the obstacles that were scaled along the journey to your accomplishment.  If our goals were easy and without challenges, there would be no f

Tonight,  I was summoned to my bedroom.  One of my boys was there surrounded by broken glass.  I'm telling you guys, there was glass everywhere!  In my bed, in the laundry baskets, in my jacket, between my books, buried in the long pile carpet. You get the picture.  I could tell he was nervous and afraid to speak.  Finally he told me he was responsible for the broken glass.  He was still afraid to give the details.  I won't lie, my tired body was fighting back anger and my frustrations were running deep.  Somehow I mustered the ability to say, "It's OK buddy, accidents happen.  Let's just get this cleaned up." After the words come out of my mouth, I instantly saw him soften.  He went on to explain that he was swinging the couch pillows and accidently hit the lights.  He hurried to get the vacuum and stayed by my side until we cleaned up all the glass we could find.   As we were cleaning I thought about how the situation might have been different if

"What if, instead of fighting over who's right and who's wrong, we see that each person has a piece of truth, and our job is to cooperate to put the whole puzzle together?" ~ Stephen Palmer There have been times in my marriage, when I wished my husband was more like me.  When problems would arise, I just knew they could all be solved if he would just adopt my way of thinking.  Can you relate?  I actually said to him one time, "I wish I could just take everything in my brain and transfer it into yours, so we would always be thinking the same and always go about solving problems in the same way."  Ugh, that would have been a terrible mistake! I am sure I meant it at the time, but as I have become more open to his perspective, I am so grateful that both of us are not like me.  He brings so much to the relationship that I didn't always appreciate or even notice.  In fact, some of the things that I was put off by at first, are the very things tha