Bedroom Confidence for Good Women

Are you remembering to love your choice? How can you choose love today?

Have you ever been really upset by something your partner did and decided to just let it go?  It probably felt really good if you were able to really let go of the frustration and truly feel love for your husband.   Have you ever been really upset with him and tried to let it go, only to keep thinking about the issue while it festered?  Eventually, this scenario leads to a huge blow up if you aren't careful.  It could be the slightest offense that sets off this eruption of emotions.  Often it's something that has nothing to do with the real issue that caused you to be upset in the first place. Here's the thing about emotions.  We can try to stuff them all we want, but if we aren't able to truly forgive and forget them, they will eventually surface.   I like to visualize a beach ball when talking about emotions.  Pretend the large ball represents your emotion. If you take a beach ball, and try to hold it under the water, you can do it for a while.  How

It takes one person in the marriage to make the decision to change.  When that one person decides to change, the other person in the relationship has to decide if they will shift to balance the relationship. I know you might feel like you don't want to be the one who has to put forth the extra effort.   Can I ask you a question?  Would you put forth the effort if you knew your marriage depended on it? I promise you, with the right attitude and commitment, one person can change the whole tone of the relationship. If you have a couple extra minutes, please read this  story about the way author, Richard Paul Evans decided to change only himself, in an attempt to save his marriage.  I read it years ago, and it has stayed with me ever since. “Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat down in the shower and began to cry. In the depths of my despair powerful inspiration came to me. You can’t change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. At that moment I began to pra y." Are yo

Some of us use the call to "be ye therefore perfect", in a way that Heavenly Father never intended.   If you are anything like me, you probably do it too.  Does any of this sound familiar? In an attempt to be perfect, you might start to focus on your failures, over-extend yourself and even doubt your own worth. You look at everyone else around you and see all of their best qualities.   You see the wife who always looks like perfection by her husbands side, and the mom who never raises her voice to her children.  You might begin to wonder why you can't keep your house in order, when your neighbor works full-time, has five kids and keeps her home immaculate.  And the comparisons go on and on.   You take the best qualities of everyone around you and create in your mind what you believe to be the “perfect" wife and mother. You can never be as good as her.   She isn’t even real. Yet, when you fall short of measuring up to this perfect -but fictitious- woman, y

Good communication is one of the most important aspects of a good relationship.  I used to tell my husband this All. The. Time.  I thought I was such a good communicator because I was willing to talk when he wasn't.  Little did I know that my communication style was suffocating his desire to communicate. After writing  this post a few days ago, about communicating in a way that helps foster truth and openness with your partner, I had and "add-on" experience, that I thought I'd share. In the previous post, I wrote about how my son broke some glass in my room. Somehow, I was able to not yell at him, and because of that he felt comfortable sharing the whole truth of the broken glass. We were then able to connect and work together to clean up the mess, and the whole thing actually turned out to be a positive experience for both of us. I felt good about the fact that I was able to show him he could be honest with me, even when he thought I might not like the truth

Some researchers have claimed the number one predictor of success is your ability to be resilient;  your ability to struggle and keep working for your goal.  It has been said that this quality is more important than intelligence, resources or even skill. Resilience is defined as your ability to overcome adversity.  The only way to get better at resilience is by experiencing adversity. So if resilience is the number one predictor of success and you gain resilience through adversity, it might seem like experiencing adversity is a good thing!  I believe it is.  If you are in the midst of a personal struggle, game on! Adversity is like your classroom.  Using challenges as an opportunity to build strategies is a skill.  Resilience fosters confidence.  Many people think accomplishments build confidence, but really the confidence comes because of the obstacles that were scaled along the journey to your accomplishment.  If our goals were easy and without challenges, there would be no f

Tonight,  I was summoned to my bedroom.  One of my boys was there surrounded by broken glass.  I'm telling you guys, there was glass everywhere!  In my bed, in the laundry baskets, in my jacket, between my books, buried in the long pile carpet. You get the picture.  I could tell he was nervous and afraid to speak.  Finally he told me he was responsible for the broken glass.  He was still afraid to give the details.  I won't lie, my tired body was fighting back anger and my frustrations were running deep.  Somehow I mustered the ability to say, "It's OK buddy, accidents happen.  Let's just get this cleaned up." After the words come out of my mouth, I instantly saw him soften.  He went on to explain that he was swinging the couch pillows and accidently hit the lights.  He hurried to get the vacuum and stayed by my side until we cleaned up all the glass we could find.   As we were cleaning I thought about how the situation might have been different if

"What if, instead of fighting over who's right and who's wrong, we see that each person has a piece of truth, and our job is to cooperate to put the whole puzzle together?" ~ Stephen Palmer There have been times in my marriage, when I wished my husband was more like me.  When problems would arise, I just knew they could all be solved if he would just adopt my way of thinking.  Can you relate?  I actually said to him one time, "I wish I could just take everything in my brain and transfer it into yours, so we would always be thinking the same and always go about solving problems in the same way."  Ugh, that would have been a terrible mistake! I am sure I meant it at the time, but as I have become more open to his perspective, I am so grateful that both of us are not like me.  He brings so much to the relationship that I didn't always appreciate or even notice.  In fact, some of the things that I was put off by at first, are the very things tha

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  I'm not sure who said this originally.  It has been attributed to Plato, Socrates, Marjorie Pay Hinkley and more.  It doesn't really matter to me, who said it first.  It just speaks to my heart.  We all have hard days and hard battles in our lives.  Isn't it great when someone eases our burden or offers a kind gesture that tells us we aren't alone?   The times when we are the hardest to love, are the exact moments when we need love the most.  The same is true for everyone around us.   If someone in your life seems a little harder to love today, I challenge you to show them love anyway.   If you have made mistakes and feel disappointed with yourself, be kind.  Practice self-compassion. Being human and doing life is hard.  Let's give each other the benefit of the doubt and just keep being kind.  

I was asked to teach a group of teenagers about a week ago.  As I pondered what I wish all young people knew, I thought about the lives they have ahead of them.  I reflected on my own life and what I wish I had know while I was navigating my own transition from being a kid to living as an adult. There were good times and there were hard times.  This is standard for most of us.  Somehow, I was lucky enough to have the support I needed to push through the hard times and keep my goals at the forefront of my mind.  Still, there are somethings I probably would have done differently, if I had known that I could really accomplish anything I believed I could. I want to teach you what I shared with those teenagers. First, I want you to think of a goal you have.  Think of the best possible outcome for this goal.  If you are struggling in your relationship, think of the optimal outcome you have for yourself as a partner.  If you are trying to start a business or develop a talent, think of

Imagine if someone came up to you and said, "I really hate your neon green Mohawk."  Would that hurt your feelings?  Unless you really do have a neon green mohawk, you would probably think the person that just said that to you was crazy.  You probably wouldn't be deeply offended or act defensive, you might just think he had bad eyesight.  Right?  You wouldn't make such a ridiculous comment mean anything bad about you.  You would just wonder what the heck is wrong with the other person! Now imagine if someone came up to you on Sunday and said, "The talk you just gave was really inappropriate."  Yikes!  It feels a little different right?  Suddenly you believe it's possible there could be some validity to this comment.  If you are already feeling insecure about your talk or your ability to speak in public, you start to really let this comment permeate your thoughts and emotions. The comments and accusations that hurt the most, are the ones we  think m

I learned a fun little exercise a few months ago.  It allows you to predict the future!  Ok, ok, I don't really believe in fortune tellers and crystal balls, but I definitely do believe you can know what will happen in the future, if you decide to create it.  Since this is a blog about creating the marriage you want, let's focus on the relationship you have with your husband (you can totally use this technique for anything you want).  Grab a pencil and paper, and simply follow the steps below.  1- Imagine yourself 5 years from now.  What kind of relationship do you want to have with your husband?  Be very specific.  What will you enjoy together?  How will you communicate with him?  What will you do that makes you feel connected to him?  Get a very clear picture of what this relationship looks like, and your specific role in this future bliss. 2- Now imagine you already are this wife in the relationship that you just described in step one.  Really allow yourse

I used to hear people talk about how important "self-awareness" was.  I had no idea what that even meant!  Like, I have always been aware of myself.  I've always known I was in existence.  I've always been able to feel physical pain and sensations, so I knew I was alive. I kept wondering, "What is all the hype about self-awareness and why does it matter?" I have come to realize that people who are self-aware understand the connection between their mind and the results they see in their lives.  They actually take note of what they are thinking, instead of just reacting to everything.  When they understand this connection of mind and results, they have power to create anything they want.   That does not mean self-aware people are always happy and life is always great for them.  It just means they understand the correlation between their thoughts, feelings and behaviors, ultimately leading to any result they acquire.   What results do you want

"Sandwiched between their Once Upon A Time and Happily Ever After they all had to experience great adversity." ~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf Why is adversity so important?  Why do we all need to experience it?  It is a part of being human, after all.  It is a part of loving.  It is a part of relationships.  Adversity gives us contrast in life.  Without sorrow, there would be no joy.  Can you imagine if there were no joy in your marriage?  Maybe you feel like the joy is hard to find now.  It's ok my friend, there are seasons of adversity in all our relationships.  The good news is, it's supposed to be that way and we can be better for  it.  Adversity gives opportunity to grow and bond.  When husband and wife sincerely work together to overcome weaknesses within their marriage, they have the opportunity to form a bond that would otherwise remain unknown. Weathering the storms together, surviving difficult times and surmounting unwelcomed challenges can actual

Have you heard it said, "feelings are always a choice"? That rubs some people the wrong way.  They don't like thinking the other person in the relationship has no responsibility in how they feel. Many of us decide we don't want to feel love toward someone who we believe has wronged us (that is okay, by the way).  Just know, love is always an option that is available-- if you want it.  Nothing anyone does or doesn't do can ever deny you that feeling. Isn't that great news?! Love feels amazing. Why would we choose not to feel love toward someone?  When you choose not to feel love, it only effects you.  You are the only one who gets to feel your feelings. Choosing love does not mean approving of any behavior.  It does not mean you don't take action in protecting yourself or attaining desired results.  It simply means your ability to be happy never has to be dependent on somebody else. Choosing love is a gift you get to give to yourself! Bonus

"Don't limit yourself. Believe in yourself.  Live so as to reach your possibilities.  You can achieve what you believe you can achieve." Thomas S. Monson What do you believe about yourself?  Most of us don't think about our beliefs very often, though they influence our lives greatly.   What is a belief anyway?  A belief is just a thought you think over and over, until it becomes your truth.  What thoughts do you think over and over about your marriage?  What do you think about yourself? What are you thinking about your husband daily? Your beliefs have a huge impact on your relationships, especially your marriage.   It might be worthwhile to write down some of your beliefs about your marriage.  After you identify your current beliefs, you should decide if these beliefs are in alignment with what you want to achieve. What do you wish you believed about your marriage and your husband? Contact me for a  20 minute mini session to chat about how

I saw the cutest little baby tonight.  It made me think about when my babies were tiny.  In particular, I started thinking about when they were learning to walk.  They would start by just trying to push up on their legs to stand.  They would hold onto the couch or table and walk with assistance.  Eventually, they began to take steps without holding on, and then one day they just took off.  They all walk just fine now, but there was a lot of falling for a few months.  Babies don't seem to get discouraged or feel like giving up when they keep falling.  They just continue to get back up and try again. Why do we as adults, find it so difficult to "fall"?  When we have a set back, it can hurt our self-esteem, cause us to doubt our purpose and even make us question our commitment to our passion or things we love. What about in your marriage?  When you have a set-back with your husband, what do you think?  Do you question your choice to marry him?  Do you wonder if yo

Wouldn't it be great if husbands came with a manual?  I've heard this several times.  As it turns out, you do have a manual for your husband, though it's probably not what you are thinking. Throughout our lives we use our environment, culture, personal preferences and experience to start forming beliefs about what we want for ourselves.  We begin to form visions of our ideal future. We even create an unspoken instruction guide for others in our lives about how we would like them to behave so we can find that "ideal future" and live happily ever after. The other people involved in these relationships don't even know there is an instruction guide or manual they should be following because we usually don't tell them.  We just get really annoyed when they don't do things how we think they should. We don't tell them, because we probably don't know we carry a manual ourselves.  Most people feel the person they have this unspoken manual for, sho

Do you have a hard time feeling your emotions?  We usually embrace positive emotion, but some people actually shut down and try not to feel any negative emotion at all.  I can see how some might think this is a good strategy.  It can be a coping mechanism to deal with a traumatic event.  The problem is, if we choose to never deal with the emotion, it is very hard to move past the event.  Over time, we think we are saving ourselves from pain, but what we don't see is all the energy it takes to keep the negative emotion just below the surface.   Part of being human is experiencing all types of emotion.  We were created to be emotional beings.  We tend to feel like things are exactly as they should be when we are experiencing positive emotion.  Is it possible that when we feel negative emotion, things are still as they should be?  This doesn't mean we shouldn't try to fix the problem causing the negative emotion. It just means that in life we are meant to exper

"When we treat people merely as they are, they will remain as they are.  When we treat them as if they were what they should be, they will become what they should be." ~ Thomas S. Monson I love this quote.  It makes me think abou t what I want my children to become and how I treat them.  It makes me think about who I want my husband to be and I wonder if I encourage him. Today as I read this quote, it made me think about how I treat myself.  It made me ponder who I want to become as a mother, as a friend, as a professional and especially who I want to be as a wife.  Do I treat myself in a way that will help me become who I want to be?  It is hard to talk nicely or treat yourself nicely, when you are trying to measure up to a level of perfection that is unrealistic. I want to ask you a few questions.  Please take a minute to really think about your answers.  If you are feeling ready for an eye opening experience, grab a pencil and write down your answers. 1- When yo

President Ezra Taft Benson taught: "Marriage...is the most glorious and most exalting principle of the gospel of Jesus Christ. No ordinance is of more importance and none more sacred and more necessary to the eternal joy of man.  Faithfulness to the marriage covenant brings the fullest joy here and glorious rewards here after." Does this quote give you hope that you can be happy in your marriage, or does it leave you feeling disappointed and hurt that you didn't marry someone who makes you feel glorious, exalted, joyful and happy?  Sometimes, as perfectionists, we are so worried about what we think our relationship is supposed to look like, we don't allow room to create our own unique and sacred union.  I spent years trying          to have my marriage look "just right", instead of embracing it for the unique union that it was.  Trust me, this does not create much happiness in a relationship. How much joy and happiness do you create in your marriage

I used to be afraid of the dark.  It just seems like bad things happen in the dark.  Darkness can also give us contrast and perspective.  It can help us appreciate the light.  In Lehi's dream, he says, he traveled for many hours through a "dark and dreary waste" having to call upon the Lord for mercy.  In the Sacred Grove, Joseph Smith was surrounded by "thick darkness".  He said it felt like he was "doomed to sudden destruction".  Both of these great examples called upon the Lord for help when they found themselves in the mist of great darkness. Isn't it also interesting, that both of these great men were so righteous and seeking to do and know God's will, yet they were challenged by such a great force of evil and darkness?  I also find it intriguing that this great darkness tried to overtake them just as they were on the verge of finding great knowledge and wisdom that would prove invaluable for generations to come.  Satan is real.  He

I once heard someone say that one of Satan's greatest traps is trying to trick us into thinking that because we are doing our best to live a righteous life and strive for righteous goals, our lives should be void of conflict, trial or struggle.  Have you ever wondered why really hard things happen to really good people?  Ask any LDS person what the purpose of this life is, and you'll get some version of, "we are here on this earth to gain a body and to be tried and tested."  We know we are here to grow through trial and tests, but when the heat is on and life gets difficult, we think something has gone terribly wrong.  We can't understand why this has happened to a good person like ourselves and we want it to be fixed yesterday.  I am with you friend! I struggle with this too.  We are human after all.  Humans living a mortal life trying to mesh earthly experience with divine potential.   What about marriage?  Is it meant to be a blessing or a test?  For

Has your husband ever hurt you?  Have you ever been in the position where you felt like you should forgive, but you just didn't know how or if it was even possible to forgive?  Go ahead and take a minute to think about it.  What does it feel like to not engage in the hurt or disappointment anymore?  Maybe you don't even want to forgive at this point. Recently I was coaching a client who had been in a long relationship with someone she viewed as immature, even emotionally unavailable. I asked her what it might be like if she just didn't engage in his drama.  I asked her to imagine what it would feel like to not fight and to even forgive him.  She said she didn't really like that approach, because she was so tired of having to be the bigger person. She told me it would feel like she was "letting him off the hook".  I explained to her that when we get angry, resentful or hurt, we are the only ones who can feel it.  Of course, we can take action to try to d

One time my family and I had this really special spring break.  My husband was able to get time off work to be with the whole family.  We made a list of things we wanted to do and we began to execute.  We explored caves, visited new restaurants.  We went on rollercoasters, saw dear friends and were blessed with perfect weather.  We even had food delivered right to our door.  It was so memorable.  We have shared this experience with many others, we talk about it among ourselves still, and I don't think there is anyway we will soon forget the week we had. We hadn't had a spring break like that prior and haven't had one since. One time my family had this really terrible spring break. We promised the kids several fun adventures and we were all super excited. On the first day, I started feeling a bit of a headache coming on.  We had already promised the kids we would have fun, so I took some Excedrin and pushed through.  The next day we were headed to a theme park.  I woke